We're extremely pleased to announce the hiring of a new Gawker columnist, a dog, who will maintain a blog at dog.gawker.com. Please enjoy a dog's first column, "Hey."
Hey. Hey. Hi. Hey.
My topic today is the prospect of Republicans gaining control of Congress in the upcoming midterm elections. If you asked me to rank flavors of jerky, my first response would be: why? Why not just have them all? Then if you ordered me to rank them, I would say, in order, Slim Jim Tangy BBQ flavor, Slim Jim Honey BBQ flavor, Slim Jim Nacho flavor, Slim Jim Mild flavor, Slim Jim Zesty Garlic flavor, Slim Jim Smokin Mesquite flavor, Slim Jim Teriyaki flavor, Slim Jim Maple Bacon flavor, Slim Jim Hickory Smoked Bacon flavor, Slim Jim Kickin Carne Asada Steak Strips flavor, Slim Jim Original Sausage Bites flavor, Slim Jim Mild Beef & Cheese Sticks flavor, Slim Jim Jamaican Jerk flavor, Slim Jim Original flavor, Slim Jim Pepperoni flavor, Slim Jim Sweet & Hot flavor, Slim Jim Chili Pepper flavor, Slim Jim Jalapeno flavor, and Slim Jim Crackin Pepper flavor. The spicy ones I don't like so much. They hurt my glands. They feel like fire going down. Like I swallowed a snake made of pure fire. I eat em still. Delicious. Love em. I will eat every one. These are my rankings of the Slim Jim family of jerky treats ONLY. I could go on into the other and lesser brands of jerky treats but we'd be here all day!
If I wasn't doing this, what would I be doing? Oh I don't know. Just wandering probably. I always thought of myself as a wanderer. I often sing that song to myself: "A wanderer, a wanderer, I roam around around around, a wanda-rah, a wanda-rah, I Roman rounda rounda round, a wompa wah, ba domp a dah, Eye oamkoamadoama pound, around around, a wangah dong, a woop a doopa shoopa shoam, I roam a home, a tome a boam, a zona zone, a homeroam, I wander-uh, a squander-ah, a gahgah gahgahgahgah, my name a shame a blame a fame a hack attack a back-a-pack, I'm walkering, I'm talkering, I'm wandering, belonga me, aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye." Then sometimes after that I nap, sometimes I wander. Sometimes after that I sing that song "Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy, good lookin, whattttttttttcha got cookin," and I'm envisioning the kind of jerky treat I would like to cook. I'm not much of a cook myself to be honest. I won't denigrate the cooking of others though. That is one thing I just can't stand. It's very rude. I'll eat anything.
My friend is a raccoon.
[A dog is an occasional columnist. Image via.]