A dog, Gawker's foremost columnist who is a dog, weighs in on this week's Pulitzer Prize awards in a new column, "Give a Kiss to Me." A dog maintains a Kinja blog at dog.gawker.com.
Saw a mouse in my house, yes! She's my girlfriend nowwww.
On Monday, the Pulitzer Prizes honored the finest work in journalism. But many wonder what the industry's long term outlook is in an age of new media, new money, and new technology.
For me, I'm always wondering: What would happen if you sat in the wet concrete? The question plagues me as the white whale plagued Ahab. I guess my own personal "white whale" is, could I put a print the shape of my booty in the wet concrete and it would stay there forever? Or would the concrete dry around me and I would stay there forever? What about the concrete that stuck to my booty? Would it stay there forever? What complications would go along with that? Would those complications be worth it, considering the goggling immortality of having a print of my booty in the concrete? Would I get caught? Could I deny it? Would they pick me up and set me down directly on top of the impression made in the rapidly drying concrete, then look at each other and nod, as if to say, "We've got our culprit." What would they do to me? Would they put me in the pound? Would I be forced to live in a cage? Would there be rubber items to chew on in the cage, if so? What sort of food would be served to me while I was in the cage? Would it be wet food, dry food, or a wet/ dry mix, which is my preference? Is low quality food typically used as a form of punishment in the pound? Or is the very fact of being in the pound considered punishment enough? Let's say for the sake of argument that I was served only dry food—would it be IAMS brand dry food? Would it be Solid Gold Sun Dancer brand dry food? Would it be Wyson Epigen brand dog food? Would it be Only Natural Pet MaxMeat brand dry food? Would it be Kroger Value Chunk brand dry food? Or would it be some other brand of dry food? And if it would be some other brand of dry food, what brand would that be? Ranchers Choice Companion brand dry food? Or some other brand of dry food? Which one?
Some people think I don't think about these things. No disrespect, but it sounds like it's time for you to go back to school. I think about a lot of things. I got a ear that hangs down lower than the other ear. It brushes up against the side of my gums. Because I got a lip that also hangs down a little bit, exposing my gum. I scarcely notice when I'm wolfing down a Milkbone- brand dog treat, of course. That puts me in another world. You could stick a cattle prod in me and I wouldn't notice. But when the bone is gone and the crumbs are licked up and my mood turns contemplative, I admit that it does bother me sometimes. All this unevenness and irregularity in my body structure. Why, god? I'm eating a Milkbone—next thing I know, I'm eating my ear. My ear is covered in tiny hairs. The best case scenario, even if I don't bite the ear, I'm getting little tiny hairs rubbing off on my wet gumline, then migrating up my teeth as I'm chewing and mixing in with the food. I swallow all that. You might say, "Oh, what do you care if you swallow some hair? It's your own hair, after all. And you eat any food or non-food item that falls on the floor already, why would you be picky?" All I can say is, brother, I'm glad you're not a chef at one of the dog food companies! I bet that the dog food that came out of your kitchen would not be good. It's okay to joke around, but have a little respect for your work.
Grasshoppers? More like popcorn, from my perspective ;)
[Image by Jim Cooke]